The Bachelor's Lessons on Life & Love: Episodes 8 & 9

This week we had two episodes of The Bach, which means that I wanted to punch Juan Pablo in the face twice as much as normal. It also means that I've decided to share two Universal Truths. Buckle up. ¡Ay, ay, ay, readers! ¿Como se dice «shallow» en español? If I had any ounce of faith left in our leading man after last week, it disappeared this week as Juan Pabs repeatedly made a royal fool of himself.

On Monday night we watched him travel to four cities to meet the fams of his remaining ladies, Nikki, Andi, Renee, and Clare. These hometowns make for an interesting contrast with the exotic locales where most of the season is filmed. The relationships that seem only flimsy against the backdrop of Tokyo and Vietnam and New Zealand seem downright baseless in the living rooms of each woman's parents. Basically, when you go back to your parents' house, stuff gets real.

Or at least it's supposed to. Some of the parents seemed to have a better grasp on reality than others.

After meeting Juan Pabs, Nikki's dad sat down with her in the living room to have a little heart to heart in front of the cameras, and he asked her, "What have you seen in him that makes you feel that this could be a possible husband for you?"

Well, I feel really really bad about it.

Well, I feel really really bad about it.

Okay, Tom, I'll give you one point for asking that question, I guess. But this was Nikki's response. (WORD FOR WORD, people. I watched it like four times to make sure I transcribed accurately. I report the truth.) This was what Nikki said made her feel Juan Pablo could be a husband for her:

"I just feel like he makes me feel really comfortable around him, and there’s just something about him, and like I can’t really put my finger on it, and I can’t explain it, but it’s just awesome; like it’s like magical. Like, I don’t know, I just I feel really really good about it."

!!!!!

I can't even. CANNOT EVEN.

This is an aside for my parents, a.k.a., my most faithful blog readers:

If I ever bring a man into your house and tell you that I want to marry him not because of anything related to his character but because "it's like magical and he makes me feel really comfortable, and I feel really good about it," I beg you—I BEG YOU—to dropkick that man out of our living room and send me to a nunnery.

Now we know why she is how she is.

Now we know why she is how she is.

But, no. Do you want to know what Tom said? Tom said, "As my daughter I want you to know that I will always support you in whatever you do."

Which, AMAZINGLY, was even worse than what Nikki said, if that is possible.

I am like typing so hard that I'm damaging my keyboard right now.

"Always support[ing] you in whatever you do" = enabling.

WHEN YOU LOVE PEOPLE, YOU DON'T ENABLE THEM. YOU TELL THEM WHEN THEY'RE BEING STUPID. UNIVERSAL TRUTH OF THE WEEK.

Universal Truth of the Week: When you love people, you tell them when they're being stupid.

This was illustrated well by Andi's dad, Hy. Andi was slightly more articulate in her explanation of why she liked Juan Pabs, but she's not exactly getting any awards. "I have a good time with him, [and] we get along really well," she said.

Dad of the Year

Dad of the Year

Hy, being the LOVING PARENT THAT HE IS, said, "He's dating three other people. That's all I care about."

And when Juan Pabs asked if he could propose to Andi, Hy said, "The person that is gonna be good enough for my daughter is gonna come to me and say, ‘There's no one else in the world for me.'"

PREACH, HY DORFMAN. PREACH.

(Sorry not sorry for all the caps this week. I'm feeling these words almost as much as Nikki is feeling Juan Pablo.)

Okay, but the moral of this blog series is not: The people on The Bachelor are crazy; let's all laugh at them. The moral of this blog series is: The people on The Bachelor are crazy and also scarily similar to me.

I like to think I show more sense than these girls, but I am under no delusions that I am incapable of getting into a bad relationship. I see them everywhere. (You know, the ones that make you go, "What does she/he see in him/her!?")

I'm a firm believer that nobody should ever get into a relationship with anyone without making sure that a handful of wiser people in his or her life get absolute veto power. I want people around me who will throw down if I need it. Basically, this is my plea to you to go figure out who your Hy Dorfman is. And if you don't have one, GET YOSELF TO A GOOD CHURCH because there are plenty there.

I will not take time to comment on Clare and Renee's families' reactions to Juan Pablo because they were dull by comparison.

The rose ceremony, however, I will comment on. Because Juan Pablo sent Renee home — Renee, whose numerous virtues I extolled just last week.

Male readers, will you please explain to me why Juan Pablo sent Renee home? I don't understand. I have watched five seasons of The Bachelor, and we're three for five on the Bach turning down all the truly lovely girls in the house and choosing the most objectionable one there. (Nikki and Clare are tied for most objectionable this year, so we already know what Juan Pabs has coming.)

I've also watched five seasons of The Bachelorette, and whereas the girls do not always pick whom I would pick, they always end up with somebody who is generally unobjectionable. (Okay, somebody as unobjectionable as people who go on reality TV shows can be.)

I think there is a Universal Truth here that I am missing. Fill in the blank, men:

Universal Truth of the Week:

Please take your best shot.

ANYWAY, when Juan Pabs sent Renee home, he shifted from being just generallyunappealing to being officiallythe worst, and I would've stopped watching except for the fact that—just kidding, I wouldn't actually stop watching.

In Tuesday's episode, he and the final three again left the motherland and headed to St. Lucia where he had one-on-ones and overnight dates with each of the girls.

(Let me take a moment to say that the overnight dates are as much a mystery to me as they are to you. Obviously the name makes them sound super scandalous, but the contestants usually take great pains to explain in their asides that they only want "time to talk away from the cameras," and I tend to believe them, probably because these people seem so uninhibited about everything else they say on television that I have a hard time believing there's anything they wouldn't admit. Now you know the presumption under which I watch this show.)

There's part of your problem.
There's part of your problem.

With Renee gone, my allegiances had shifted to Andi, and that girl made both her dad and her law school professors proud in this episode by reaming Juan Pablo out like the freaking lawyer that she is.

Interesting criteria

Interesting criteria

But before we got to the good stuff, we had to watch his one-on-ones with the ladies. Honestly, I can't even distinguish among them in my brain because they were all the same. Clare and Nikki mainly just said a bunch of inane things (see pics at right) about why they liked Juan Pablo, and both girls told him that they loved him despite the fact that he is contractually prevented from reciprocating the response.

I started to see our Universal Truths come full circle this week after Andi had her overnight date. She was livid the next morning. "The whole night was just a disaster," she said. "I just realized that he didn't really care about who I was and what I thought and what I want in life....It sucks to think back about all the emotions I had. Was I an idiot? Was I blind? Was I trying to be as open as possible? I don't know."

Were you an idiot, Andi? Were you blind? Well, you were making up his personality in your brain, and you were gauging the strength of your relationship by how you felt. When the producers packed up and the cameras were gone and you had actual, real-life interactions with the guy for the first time, you saw the real him, and, surprise! The real him isn't all that appealing. Which leads us to yet another UTOTW.

Universal Truth of the Week: The shine always wears off, and all the remains is what's underneath.

Worked for a while.

Worked for a while.

You can only make up a person's personality in your brain for so long. The longer you know him and the more situations you go through together, the more you'll start to see his true character. This is why I find it odd when people say stuff like, "He's just not the same guy that he was when I first met him." Yes, he is. You just didn't know him when you first met him. Now that the shine has worn off, you're seeing the truth.

When you're dating a guy with good character, it will be okay when the shine wears off because what's underneath is good, too. It's when you're dating bros like Juan Pablo that you need to be concerned. Consider this another reason why you need a Hy Dorfman in your life. Other people may be better at seeing a person's true character than you are. (Especially if you're kissing that person.)

Winning her case.

Winning her case.

As would be expected, Andi decided to leave the show early, but not before going all district attorney on Juan Pablo and accusing him of always talking about himself and never caring about her. And as would also be expected, Juan Pabs didn't seem too sad to see her go—because she was right: he didn't really care about her; he only cared about himself.

Tomorrow night we'll watch the Women Tell All, and then we have to wait only one more week to see Juan Pabs get down on one knee and propose a marriage that will never happen to Nikki or Clare, and I don't know which one I hope he picks less. I can't wait!