Dear readers, I just want y'all to know that I drove to Target last week to buy a VHS tape to record episode six of The Bach because I was going to miss it, and I knew you would be heartbroken if you had to wait for my post. (I hope you feel loved.) Here's the thing, though: It is 2014. And apparently Target does not carry VHS tapes anymore. Alas, I watched the episode a week late on Hulu, so now I'm combining two episodes into one post again. (This may become a trend.)
I'm getting concerned about Juan Pablo. At the end of this past episode, he had narrowed his harem to four, and he is presumably just three weeks from getting on one knee and proposing marriage to one of the girls, but there is still no real frontrunner. I've watched this show for enough seasons to know that most Bachelors have one or two clear faves at this point.
Juan Pabs is similar to past Bachelors, however, in that his top four exemplifies his inconsistent judgement. Sometimes he handles himself in a way that suggests he is a totally legit guy—for instance, when he comforted Charlene as she told him she was leaving—but other times, Juan Pablo seems completely unable to see past a pretty face. The fact that crazy Clare and nasty Nikki are in the top four alongside Andi and Renee shows that Juan Pabs can be pretty clueless sometimes.
I'll structure the post a little differently this week. We're getting towards the end, so I'll share my thoughts on the final four ladies (plus Charlene because she totally would've made it to the top four had she not sent herself home early) before getting to our UTOTW.
Charlene decided to leave in episode seven because she was lacking the "cerebral connection" she needed with Juan Pablo. That was her nice way of saying "I'm way too smart for this man."
I frequently hear tall girls lament that they are too tall for the guys they meet, but smart girls can never audibly lament that they are too smart for the guys they meet even though SOMETIMES WE TOTALLY ARE. So my opinion of Charlene went up last week. You made the right decision, girl.
Did y'all know Andi has kissed Juan Pabs more than any other girl on the show? Yeah, the producers keep track. Other than that, I have nothing to say about Andi from the past two weeks. I think she may be the next to go home, but it's any girl's game at this point.
My money's on Andi to be the next Bachelorette.
Clare may be crazy, but I can no longer question her love for Juan Pablo because in episode six, that man told her she looked hot in sweatpants and that he liked to listen to her talk.
The Bachelor producers take such pains to create romantic dates for Juan Pablo and the ladies. But HEAR ME OUT, male readers—'cause I know y'all totally read this—you do not need private jets and yacht trips and hidden waterfalls and rappelling adventures to woo the ladies. A girl will be truly wooed when you tell her that she looks hot in sweatpants and that you like to listen to her talk. If a man ever told me he liked to listen to me talk and actually meant it, I would probably marry that man. (Disclaimer: No guarantees.)
Ben's season had Courtney, and Jake's season had Vienna, and Juan Pablo's season has Nikki. She's the girl whom the guys like and the other girls can't stand.
When I think of Nikki, I picture Janis Ianscreaming, "YOU ARE A MEAN GIRL!"
For reasons no one understands, Juan Pabs let Nikki be the first girl to meet his daughter, which confirms that he—like so many Bachelors before him—is a terrible judge of character. Not only is she straight-up mean, but she and Juan Pablo have also never had an actual conversation about an actual topic before.
Allow me to share with you a convo that took place between the two the prior week. Here it is, word for word:
Nikki: You look very nice tonight.... I give it a 10.
JP: Pink underwear by the way.
Nikki: I like a man in pink.
JP: I like pink a lot.
Nikki: I kind of like you a lot.
JP: Really, how come?
Nikki: Um, I just do. [Then they make out.]
JP: What does "a lot" mean?
Nikki: More than a little.
JP: What does "a little" mean?
Nikki: Not very much.... Um, I feel comfortable with you. You know, I feel excited and just myself.
JP: I like that a lot.
Nikki: Oh, how much is a lot?
[Stupid/awkward conversation spiral]
Sounds like a super solid foundation for a relationship. Time to meet the fam!
Like a lily among the thorns is Renee among the other bachelorettes.
Remember when she crawled under the bathroom stall door to comfort the drunk girl who'd made a total fool of herself?
And when she consoled Kassandra, who was missing her son?
And when she counseled Charlene, who couldn't decide whether or not to go home?
In a house full of girls who are looking out for their own best interests, Renee is constantly looking out for everyone else. Even before the rose ceremonies, Renee always seems more concerned about Juan Pablo's heart than her own.
This girl has never gotten the air time she deserves, but still we've seen glimpses of her goodness since the beginning. This leads us to our UTOTW.
Universal Truth of the Week: The best ones fly under the radar.
Renee is never the one stirring up drama or drawing attention to herself, which is precisely why she's the best catch in the house.
If Juan Pablo doesn't propose to Renee at the end of all of this, he's totally blind. And if he does, he's totally marrying up.