The Bachelor's Lessons on Life & Love: Episodes 4 & 5

Dear readers, I'm sorry that I did not get a blog post written for you last week. Things were just too busy here in Louisville. But, in the wise words of bachelorette Nikki, "I'm really looking forward to, like, really putting last week behind me." I will catch up by combining the past two episodes in this week's post.

But she can see me kiss six.

But she can see me kiss six.

Both episodes were basically all about kissing. Lucky for you, I am an expert on this subject. (Just kidding. That is not true. And none of you are surprised.)

In episode four, Juan Pablo decided not to kiss any more women because he had already kissed six in the first three weeks. It actually sounded almost noble for a second.

(Unfortunately for us, he did not decide to quit wearing henleys and hoodies every day.)

Juan Pabs' decision to tame those latin lips of his coincided, coincidentally, with multiple girls' decisions to kiss him at all costs.

GIF for you guys.

GIF for you guys.

Every season it is clear that these girls view kissing in much the same way that they view the roses themselves, as assurance—that they do have a connection, that he feels what they feel, that what they have is "real." And perhaps, most amusingly/interestingly/ disturbingly, they view the kisses and the roses as a way to "solidify their feelings."

Because everything on this show is gauged in terms of feelings.

Here's the thing that I would like to explain to these girls about feelings: You can't solidify them, and you can't even really trust them.

Universal Truth of the Week: If feelings are your gauge, your gauge will always be broken.

It won’t.

It won’t.

I distinctly remember that Bachelorette Allie from several seasons ago always said, "I'm looking for a feeling." She was one of many contestants who've expressed that sentiment over the years. "I just want this feeling to last forever," they say—every single season. 

You’re not ever supposed to feel like that.

You’re not ever supposed to feel like that.

Well, the scientific term for that feeling (er, the chemical that causes it) is dopamine. And the scientific term for a person who tries to get it to last forever is crackhead.

(Yes, the chemical associated with infatuation is the same one amplified by COCAINE.)

The speed with which these girls move from feeling good (post-kiss, for instance) to feeling miserable (post-remembering he's kissing everybody else, too, for instance) seems as though it would be enough to convince them that feelings are inconsistent and less than reliable.

So, unstable?

So, unstable?

Actually, the fact that they can feel good about any aspect of this situation whatsoever when he's dating a dozen other women seems as though it would be enough.

But, somehow, they're still looking for feelings, listening for feelings, and then expecting the good feelings to last forever.

Someone please remind these girls that feelings are just feelings. The worst ones will pass, and the best ones will, too. And part of growing up is learning to listen to feelings and know when they're lying.

Part of growing up is also not publicly likening yourself to a baby giraffe, but we'll save that lesson for another day.