The Bachelor's Lessons on Life & Love

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C.S. Lewis once said, "We watch The Bachelor to know we are not alone." No, wait, he said that about reading, I think, but it's basically the same principle. To know we are not alone, all we must do is tune into ABC on Mondays at 8/7c.

There we watch heartbreaks and awkward first dates and obsessive crushes played out on the TV screen, and we know that other people are just like us.

Sometimes people ask me why I like The Bachelor, and I consider this question both completely legitimate and completely impossible to answer.

The whole show is a mixture of the boy-girl dynamics of elementary school + the crushes of middle school + the heartbreaks of high school. Throw in the sting of rejection and the complete weirdness that is dating, and I just can't look away.

And that— that is why I like it. I feel empathetic and vindicated when I watch it. The Bachelor, in all its ridiculousness, somehow manages to capture and convey various universal truths of dating and guy-girl relationships.

Yeah, I said it. UNIVERSAL TRUTHS. ON THE BACHELOR.

I've decided that, this season, instead of just keeping these truths to myself, I will blog about them. Each week I will share at least one universal truth gleaned from the most recent episode.

Episode 1: Bachelor Premiere

There’s so much drama on this couch.

There’s so much drama on this couch.

Juan Pablo met 27 ladies this week, and 26 of them wanted to marry him right off the bat.

One even showed up with a fake baby bump under her dress to demonstrate how cute she would look as his future wife and baby mama.

I wanted to be like, Look, sister—can I call you sister?—tone it down. Just because you're imagining yourself as the mother of his children doesn't mean he needs to know you're imagining yourself as the mother of his children. Take it from someone who knows.

Charlene the heartbreaker right before Juan Pabs gave her the first impression rose

Charlene the heartbreaker right before Juan Pabs gave her the first impression rose

Other look-at-me, look-at-me tactics included:

  • Putting Juan Pablo on a massage table and giving him a massage
  • Bringing test tubes for a "chemistry experiment" to facilitate a terrible play on words
  • Getting out of the limo with a soccer ball (i.e. the classic "Like me because I like sportz")

And OF COURSE he gave the first impression rose to the one girl who told the cameras, "If I'm being 100% honest, I wasn't quite feeling the insta-chemistry I expected." Which leads us to our first UTOTW.

Universal Truth of the Week: If 26 women in a room are crushing on a guy and one woman isn't, he will go for the one who isn't.

I learned this the hard way in third grade.

Tune in next week for more Lessons on Life & Love from Juan Pabs!